SNOWBOARDING WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER
By Colin D Watt
Chances are pretty high that if you’re reading this—it’s too late. You will never be a success in the eyes of your parents. You probably won’t make over $100,000 in a calendar year and you definitely won’t be the one to take over the family business. You will fail in every single aspect of life according to everybody else. And you will only have snowboarding to blame.
You won't be a part of the modern American dream. In which, you and your beautiful wife own a detached single home dwelling. Where you keep your 2.7 children* safe behind your white picket fence. A Prius in the driveway and a golden retriever in the yard.
It’s (sad and) safe to say that this so-called dream everybody else expects you to be living will never work out. The glorified office job in the city where you sit in a cubicle for five full days a week will be replaced. With a shitty dishwashing gig for a couple nights a week in some ski resort mountain town full of STDs. Your two weeks paid vacation to escape a hectic lifestyle, following everybody else’s schedule, will be replaced with a full year of doing whatever the hell you want at anytime because, “your life is better than their vacation” (or whatever the ski bums are saying these days).
That dream home everybody is working towards? That will never be achievable in your lifetime. Unless you consider a beat-up Volkswagen Westfalia in a gravel parking lot your dream home. At least you’ll never have to mow the lawn! If you somehow manage to find another human that can tolerate you and your scumbag lifestyle. And then the two of you somehow manage to get your ruined lives together and have a child, guess what? That offspring of yours has no choice but to be brought into a pre-emptively ruined life. Their life has been ruined before having any hopes for success. They stand no chance whatsoever.
You’ll have to keep telling yourself that it’s not all that bad, and things could always be worse. Your parents probably speak about you at family events that you never show up to and defend your poor life choices by saying, “you’re still figuring it all out.” Or something ambiguous like that. Lots of people take a “gap year” between finishing high school and going to college or university. But you probably won’t finish high school or even start the other post-secondary crap. You might as well consider every remaining year of your life a “gap year” because you’ve officially gapped out for good.
If you’re one of the few snowboarders intelligent enough to read beyond a third grade education level, hopefully you will understand how screwed you are and realize you will never amount to anything in life simply because you chose to be a snowboarder.
But we encourage you to make the most out of this horrible situation known as your life. Embrace it with open arms and relentless optimism. As for those who can’t read, write, or even get a shitty dishwashing gig for a couple nights a week in some ski resort mountain town full of STDs, they could always become a snowboarding instructor or get a job at a snowboarding magazine because you pretty much can’t ever get fired from those shitty jobs.
At least now you know where you stand, and with that I wish you good luck!
*on average, per capita, based on national census survey research